“to him I leave it all”

Whatever my God ordains is right

His holy will abides

I will be still whatever he does

And follow where he guides

Sweet comfort, sweet comfort

Yet shall fill my heart

Sweet comfort, sweet comfort

Sorrow shall depart

Whatever my God ordains is right

He makes my feet to stand

Though sorrow, need, or death be mine

He holds me in his hand

This bitter cup, I take it

My fainting heart restored

So here I stand, unshaken

I trust upon the Lord

He is my God though dark my road

He holds me, I shall not fall

Whatever my God ordains as right

To him I leave it all.

 

mornings like this I hold it together pretty well on the outside, but the inside is swimming in thoughts too deep for me. The further down the road I get from watching my dad pass from this life, the more I realize that moment put a fear in me that doesn’t leave. It’s a quiet voice that sneaks up on mornings like this when I know something difficult might be ahead. It’s a voice that loves to remind me that God has taken something dear from me before, he has made me suffer, and he won’t hesitate to do it again. It pushes gently on the top of my head and watches me struggle for air as I slowly go underwater.

Earlier this week I was sharing with some dear friends about some possibilities coming up for our family, things that are both exciting and scary, and I was letting the scary side win out. One of my dearest friends, Leslie, looked at me and said, “God doesn’t have it out for you, ash. He loves you. He’s a good, good father and he loves to give you good things.” I cried without being able to stop myself.

This morning, amid a swirling sea of about ten other big and beautiful and hard things in life right now, my mind is filled with thoughts of zion’s health. Today he goes to see his rehabilitation Doc, who will decide whether or not he needs Botox again in his calves. It’s been almost a year, and we have kept asking him to push it back. The last time wasn’t easy. the procedure itself is painful, risky, and it’s hard to watch zion’s calf muscles die and to watch him struggle to learn how to walk again, then to be casted a week later for a month or two.

So this morning this Sandra McCracken song is on repeat in my ears. It’s the truth and only comfort I can cling to. That God does what is right, and not only that, but he is near – he holds me close. And this song isn’t just for me. It’s for zion. Sometimes I forget that, “oh yeah, God loves zion more than me! He made him! he is the one who planned out his breaths and life and he holds him together!” I couldn’t help but hear, as I typed these words,

“Whatever my God ordains is right

He makes my feet to stand

Though sorrow, need, or death be mine

He holds me in his hand”

It doesn’t take the tears away that I have this morning for our beautiful son, but I guess I don’t feel so alone and “out to sea” with the things we will face today. He is a good father. The only perfect father. I know that deeper in my bones than I know anything else. He doesn’t have it out for me, my family, or our sweet Zion.

“To him I leave it all.”

show hide 2 comments

Sara I always find myself thankful to have read what you post. Your words are inspiring, but not the kind of fleeting inspiration that our society worships, but the kind of inspiring that draws me closer to the Father. Thank you for writing honestly.

Please write a book.January 19, 2016 – 7:19 pm

Emily Selby That was really good for my soul to hear. I have the same tendency to fear what suffering God will bring next or what loved one he will take “before their time”. Thank you for your honesty and pointing me back to the truth. I’m saying a prayer for Zion and for you.January 17, 2016 – 5:10 pm

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